Hello World

The Birth of Our Daughter

Wednesday

I felt hopeless as I left my midwife appointment. I wasn't starting labor on my own and though the practice is supportive of vaginal births after caesarean, or in my case vaginal births after two
caesarean (VBA2C), its in a "we'll see how it goes" kind of way and not in an "absolutely, this is happening" kind of way.

So when my mind has been "absolutely" for 10 months, being met by a "we'll see"a week over my due date was a little discouraging, if only because it made me feel like all of our plans were silly from the beginning.

I was told I had to make a decision about the birth of the baby. C-section, induction within a few days, or induction in a week. The midwife wanted me to decide in her office but I couldn't. I had to talk with Mozart first. I didn't want to make any decisions without his guidance.

We decided that on Friday we'd have an induction.

This was a hard decision to make for us because accepting a VBA2C induction is accepting a lower success rate. But at that point we felt that we had done everything we could to get things rolling and a lower success rate didn't necessarily mean a failure rate.

Thursday

I woke up with a strong contraction, around 4:45am, but I didn't think much of it. After an hour of those contractions we mobilized our family and made the hour and a half trip to the hospital.

When we told people we'd be traveling over an hour to deliver our baby, many thought we were crazy. Or irresponsible. Or both. But to us it made perfect sense. We knew from the beginning that we had to do everything in our power to set ourselves up for success and that meant delivering with a practice and at a hospital that supported our dreams.

The entire day was spent back and forth between the hospital and my mom's house. My cervix was making very little progress but I felt hopeful, we both did.

By the end of the night we were admitted to the hospital. I felt elated. I think we were both beside ourselves as we walked to our room. For a second I couldn't believe everything was lining up the way we had planned. And then I thought about how God is good and how He does answer prayers.

I didn't ask Him for a vaginal birth, I rarely ask Him for things. I asked that He deliver us from this experience healthy and happy. I realized as we settled into our room I felt calm. The calm feeling was familiar to me because I had felt it for 10 months when others questioned or worried about our plan.

God had already answered our prayers and the prayers of those who loved us.

This was going to happen.

Friday

We spent Friday finding ways to work through powerful contractions.

Contractions felt like I was temporarily taken out of reality and brought to a dark place. But that place wasn't scary. I was able to hear everything around me, my husband and Doula telling me that I was doing great, beeping machines, TV commercials. But it was dark and sometimes there wasn't any light and it seemed like the darkness was never going to end.

But it did.

At the end of the day I was exhausted. Unable to lay down and unable to sit, the only relief I felt was while I stood. We decided that an epidural would be best, very rarely can any woman birth naturally with the use of Pitocin to augment her labor. Knowing that made me feel okay, it was what I needed to do for myself.

The day came to a close and there still wasn't a baby but we were all happy with the progress I was making. I decided that sleeping sounded good so I drifted in and out.

Saturday

I woke up from my sleep on Saturday feeling incredibly sick to my stomach. I declined anything to make me feel better, I wanted to feel whatever it was my body was telling me.

Which sounds strange but I wanted the experience of labor, all of it.

I didn't realize it then but I was in transition and throwing up is fairly typical for women during this stage. So I let myself be in that space for however long it took.

Waking up to the urge to push was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I have never felt anything as annoying/relieving as that.

My nurse and midwife left the room after determining that it was time to push to have a "dance party" with the other nurses on duty.  Apparently no one else other than those who attended to me, Mozart, myself, and our Doula thought this VBA2C was going to happen.

There is something gratifying about proving people wrong.

Our daughter entered the world with the following:

Thoughts: "I did it." "I'm not broken." "Why isn't she crying?" "Is Mozart crying?" "I did it!"

Feelings: Happiness, gratification, satisfaction, worry, and some kind of word that describes how you feel when you can't find the words.

Words: "Oh my gosh, you did it" says Mozart, "She's here!" says everyone, "That is one big baby!" says everyone, "She's beautiful" says Mozart, "Thank you" says Mozart.

Reactions: Tears, laughter, a few curse words, a body that functioned perfectly, healing.

*Here are some details if you're interested*

Weight: 10 and a half pounds ; Height: 21.5 inches; Head full of hair; No complications; Pushed for an hour; Two small 1st degree tares; Yes, we'd do it all over again

Patience

We are still waiting on the arrival of our baby.

This is different from our last two experiences, both Bean and Reid were born at 39 weeks. Yet, here we are six days past our due date.

We are happy to wait. All we ever wanted was for our babies to pick their own birthdays. I’ve struggled a great deal with having two c-sections and if I’m honest, I still struggle. I mourn. I feel like I was lied to, manipulated, and pigeon holed, twice. And all of it left me feeling incomplete.

We c-section moms are told to be grateful that we had healthy babies, no matter if the experience left us feeling as if our bodies are broken. And I speak for myself when I say that I am happy that my children were born healthy and truthfully those births were happy in ways. But when the newness wore off, I was left holding an empty bag and it wasn’t enough for me to just be grateful.

This birth, our third, is meant to heal me.

Deciding to have a vaginal birth after two cesarians was hard. I cried and worried a lot. I still worry. Mozart is and was amazing. He listened to me, raised concerns and questions, and supported me in a very simple way. He validated the emptiness I felt, he didn’t dismiss it and tell me to be grateful. He understood and sometimes there is nothing better than validation.

Since April I’ve been traveling and hour and a half to a midwifery group that supports what we’re doing. It’s been physically and emotionally draining but worth every bit of energy. I was deemed a medical risk by one practice in my local area, not picked up by another due to insurance, and I turned down a practice that wouldn’t allow me to have a trial of labor if they suspected the baby to be over a certain weight. I was crushed when I hung up from the third and final practice. I called Mozart, frazzled and unsure of myself. I prayed for God to lead me in the right direction. He did.

“We can do this. We are doing this.”  has been our motto since we started on this journey. It’s been important for me to remind myself of those words often, especially when I get questions and concerns from people who know and love us. I decided at the very beginning not to hide our plans. It would've been easier to lie or not talk about our birth plans but I didn’t feel right doing that. Owning our choices and struggles feels right.

We've hired a doula to help us have a better birthing experience and we continue to pray and have faith that we will be able to see our plan through. When I think about this birth, I don't feel scared anymore. I feel at peace with our decision and at peace with what will be a wonderful and healing outcome.

Right Now

I've missed my"Right Now" series, so I've started them up again

 | Right Now I am... |

... Waiting in anticipation for this baby's arrival

... Giving extra hugs and kisses to our Big Girl who will be attending school in less than 10 days

... Re-organizing closets

... Dreaming of fall treats

... Finalizing Halloween Costume plans

... Planning my next 12 weeks as a stay at home mom (so excited)

... Grateful for a husband who works hard to provide for us

... Loving my bread machine

... Lighting fall scented candles

... Taking comfort in the unknown

... Asking God to calm my heart

... Obsessing over how dirty our floors are, no matter how much we sweep and mop

... Looking forward to cooler weather

... Shopping around for new life planners

...Trying to live by “ Be Truthful, Gentle, and Fearless”- Ghandi 

What are you doing right now?

Prepping for Baby

As I enter my last 4 to 6 weeks of this pregnancy (I'm due September 4th but can go until 42 weeks gestation), not only am I thinking about the things I need to do to welcome this baby into our family, but also how I will prepare each member of our family for a very busy Fall.

Adjusting from a family of two (Mozart and I) to a family of three (Mozart, me, Bean) had it's challenges, just like when we grew to be a family of four (Mozart, me, Bean, Reid). I suspect growing  to a family of five (Mozart, me, Bean, Reid, Baby G3) will have it's challenges.

But part of the challenge in preparing for a new addition to the family, regardless of how big a family grows, is pushing out negative thoughts that can be created from others sharing their insecurities/worries/doubts with us. I don't know how many times I've had to debunk other's negative thoughts about this pregnancy and our family.. Too many to count, I think.

I remind myself that it's not my responsibility to feed into those thoughts or feelings so that others are validated. It's my responsibility, my large responsibility, to focus on what my family needs. My family doesn't need a negative thinking mother throwing wrenches into a well oiled machine because of the unwise/unkind/unwanted words of someone else.

In short, I've been preparing myself mentally by pushing back on negative outside influences and now it's time for me to focus on the remainder of my to-do list. And because I just can't help myself, I've arranged my to-do lists in the following categories: Family, Me, Mozart, Bean, Reid, Baby, Home.


Me

1. Pack hospital bag, put it in the car
2. Buy camera battery charger
3. Charge camera
4. Buy post-natal supplies
5. Inquire about breast pump rentals
6. Design baby announcement/sip and see invitations
7. Design thank-you cards
8. Address sip and see invitations
9. Purchase stamps
10. Visit a chiropractor

Mozart

1. Pack hospital bag, put in car

Bean

1. Purchase book bag
2. Purchase new school shoes
3. Schedule doctors appointment
4. Create a month school lunch meal plan
5. Purchase school lunch box supplies
6. Organize all school paperwork
7. Buy more pony tail holders and clips

Reid

1. Stock up on diapers and wipes
2. Purchase new shoes
3. Cut his hair
4. Schedule a doctors appointment

Baby

1. Make more swaddling blankets (4)
2. Make the rest of the burp cloths (4)
3. Organize baby closet
4. Put car seat cover back on car seat
5. Wash all pack n' play linens
6. Wash diaper bag
7. Stock up on diapers and wipes
8. Inquire about renting a breast pump
9. Purchase socks
10. Purchase little hats
11. Dye bibs with natural dye
12. Make pacifier holders
13. Create birth plan

Home

1. Clean all baseboards
2. Deep clean kitchen
3. Deep clean bathroom
4. Organize all closets
5. Scrub floors
6. Purchase the last two curtain panels I need for living room
7. Create a month worth of family meals

It seems like a lot. Well, it is a lot. But preparing for a new arrival is always filled with busy things. I just want to make sure that they are meaningful.

Money Management

In May...Actually on our 4 year wedding anniversary, Mozart and I paid off our car. This was a huge accomplishment for us, as we have been talking about it for several years. It seemed like too big of a project. Too much money.  

But after making the decision to rid ourselves of a car payment, we did it and even got $4 back from the loan company for paying too much!
It was an amazing feeling.

Before Reid was born, we took a Dave Ramsey class. I've talked about how much we love the Dave Ramsey method, like when we reached our $1,000.00 emergency fund, charged $2,000.00 on a credit card only to get an awesome reward like BRITA filters, and when I shared our grocery budget. Taking that class has been one of the best things to happen to our marriage and to the future of our family.

Dave often reminds us to live within our means, to say "No" to things now so that you can say "Yes" to things later.

We said "No" a lot when saving to paying off our car and at times it's really hard. Really hard. But nothing beats the feeling of a healthy savings account and moving towards financial freedom and new goals.

Just when we thought we were done saying "No" (at least for a while) we found ourselves wanting to tackle a new goal: home ownership.

About a year ago I was trying to hear God's message for our family and I did. We realized that we found our home. That took a tremendous load off of our shoulders and so we've decided to focus on buying a home.

Buying a home isn't cheap and we want to do it in a way that is right for us. One that leaves us financially secure even after purchase.

We've decided that a 15 year mortgage and the minimum amount down, closing costs, inspections, miscellaneous expenses, along with a 3 month baby emergency savings account and a modest remodel budget  makes the most sense to us.

We need about $40,000.00 in savings to purchase a home.

When I added up projected costs, I almost had a heart attack. How can anyone save $40,000.00 with all the things that come up in life? Are we crazy? Can this be done?

Yes. This can be and will be done.

Saving that much money requires taking it one step at a time and saying "No" again. It means staying in an apartment for at least two more years and frugal living.

But most importantly, buying a home this way means making a decision without worry that if one of us loses our jobs we'll go belly up. It means providing for our family in a financially responsible way.

The stress of a poor financial life can be consuming, we know this by looking around us.
It's not that we're judging, we're just setting ourselves up for a different kind of life.