New Year Theme: Potential

Last year I decided that the theme I was going to try and live by was cleanliness.  You can read more about how I came to that decision right here.

I'm here to say that I believe I did a great job sticking to that theme. I cleaned up my a lot of areas in my life; socially, economically, spiritually. And it feels good to say that I walked the walk.

In fact, I liked having a theme so much that I decided on a new one: potential.

Although I was growing leaps and bounds last year, I didn't feel like I was living up to my full potential.

To be honest, I kind of look frumpy most days and lose track of the last time I washed my hair or waxed my eyebrows. I've also been really lax with this blog, something that is extremely important to me. I haven't been doing all I can for my family or for my kids, often thinking "One day I will..." or "Just give me a minute and I will..."

Truth is, I could never find that one day or that minute to circle back to what I wanted to do.

But I have to be careful and make sure what I'm trying to accomplish isn't far fetched or born out of some kind of guilt. I have to specify what areas I want to reach my full potential, because let's face it- not everything can operate at 100%.

Home Decor- I'm really focusing on making our home a place that is comfortable and also beautiful. More meaningful and intentional purchases, not just junk or things that are cheap- items that will last.

Self Care- Taking care of myself so that I can take care of my family is important. I want to feel good about the way I look so styling my hair at least 4 days a week, wearing lip gloss, and eye make up are my top priorities. As well as shopping for clothes on a regular basis. I swear, not even lying, I've been wearing the same shirts for almost 6 months. I don't even think I have to go into detail about what they look like.

Marriage- As always my marriage is an area that I love to grow. The good thing about Mozart is that he always likes improving. So while we have a really good marriage, there is room for improvement. This means more dates, more understanding, more time alone, surrounding ourselves with like minded couples. We also have a few books we are going to read that will push our marriage even further.

Children- Since I work, the only chunks of time I get with the kids are in the evenings and during the weekend. I want to fill those times with more meaningful things like making art, telling stories, listening to Bean talk about her crazy (often made up) days. We're going on more outings around our area as well.

So there it goes. My year vaguely mapped out. It seems like a lot but chipping away at these four areas is my goal.

What are your goals for 2013?

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

See ya' later 2012!

In case any of you missed it, here's my 2012 in review.

January 2012

We kicked off 2012 with my birthday! It was a great one too. Friends, Monopoly, my favorite cake that my mom sent to me from my most favorite bakery, ever. I also declared my focus for the year and I'm happy to say that I've made leaps and bounds in cleaning up my life and my negative thinking. I also wrote about Bean's sass (that hasn't changed, only increased) and how perfectly perfect Reid is.

February 2012

This was kind of a slow month for us. I wrote about advocating for Reid and the breathing issues he was having and hosted my first blog party event which was fun. But probably the coolest thing we did this month was decorating Bean's room.

March 2012

Oh man, March was a fun month. It's always fun because two of my favorite people in the whole wide world celebrate their birthdays in March. First, it was Mozart's surprise fiesta! I caught his entrance on camera and there's also a cool video of him dancing in the car. Next up was Bean's 2nd birthday. We had a small indoor garden party with body scrub and an awesome table spread. Also, we took her to the zoo for her birthday.

April 2012

My dad came to visit for his birthday, which is always a treat. Reid started to crawl and I was feeling guilty because I didn't know if he was getting enough attention. I also wrote about a favorite snack of mine when I was little and how my kids love it now.

May 2012

I love May. It's the beginning of Spring, celebrating Mother's Day, celebrating our wedding anniversary. It really is a magical month for me. In May we celebrated our anniversary at an amazing restaurant in Philly.While in Philly we stayed in an awesome flat we found via Airbnb, our favorite travel site. Our little guy had his first tooth show up, so cute. And I started crafting after the kids went to sleep, something I still do.

June 2012

Our evening walks pick up in June because the weather is finally stable (that's Central NY for you) so we took a lot of walks in June. I also shared my love of hamburger cupcakes from Whole Foods. Best part of this month was taking these great photos of our kids people watching from our window.

July 2012

The most important thing that happened this month was the birthday of one of my favorite people, little Reid. Such a cutie! I can't even stand it! I didn't take many pictures of his party, but did get a picture of his awesome 7 layer rainbow cake. I was also pretty proud of the UNO party invitations, too. This month Bean really started lovin' her some Daddy time, which is always sweet. I also touched on how we can't afford/value high priced children's clothes. 

August 2012

Summer rages on and we score some great photos of our family from a photography student. This was also the month that God worked on our souls because we finally felt at home and at peace with our geographic location and we're still happy with that choice. I also wrote about our education choice and we added a new addition to our family.

September 2012

This month involved a lot of self reflection, especially on the way I view myself. I admit that sometimes I relate to this dowdy mom jeans commercial and that I don't always like the way I look but I'm working to get over myself. I also confessed that I sorta kind of want to punch mean kids in the face.

October 2012

Oh man, October was one tough month. I wanted it to be over around the second week because so much was going on. Reid had a hospital stay and that broke all of our hearts. I also waved my big middle finger to some people in my personal life that made me feel like crap for having a blessed life. We did some fun stuff too, like visit our local pumpkin patch and celebrate my Nana's 71st birthday with a cake tasting party.

November 2012

November was the month that things slowed down incredibly. Life picked up and I started applying a guilt free Internet theory- doing chores before enjoying the Internet. However, I did write a lot about our decision to buy a home.

December 2012

The year has wound down and I can't believe it's over. Really. I didn't write a lot this month but I did write about creating magic at home, our theory about Christmas, and a Day in The Life of our Christmas holidays.

---------------------------------

I'm really happy with the way my year has panned out.  My home is cleaner, my thoughts are less negative, our family's direction is clearer, my marriage is stronger, we're building a community here, I've come to peace with a lot of things about myself, and I'm happier.

I hope you all have a wonderful and productive 2013!

Creating Magic

I think one of the best things about being a parent is the ability to create magic for kids.

And sometimes the magic is created from almost nothing (a few sheets, some chairs, and Christmas lights) but good intentions and a need to keep what currently is (young wild minds) engaged and mesmerized...And for a short while...preserved.

There's nothing better than seeing my kids' faces light up when they believe the world has flipped upside down because something has to be off kilter in order for this magic thing to be right in front of them.

They look at whatever it is, eyes wide and mouths open, look back and me and then back at it and then back at me for confirmation.

I confirm that yes, in the middle of our living room is a tent made of blankets with twinkling lights.

I wanted to take our Christmas card photos in this tent but things weren't working out and I was so disappointed. I was tempted to take it down until I heard Bean and Reid laughing uncontrollably inside.

So I left it up and I have to say, I'm glad I did. They enjoyed themselves and it was a very pretty part of our lives for a short while.

The best part was when the kids slept Mozart and I crawled underneath to spend some time alone and it was...magical.

I suppose even as adults we can still find a bit of this magic in some places.

To Buy or Not to Buy?

I feel like I reference life changes a lot here on this little 'ol space of mine. But I truly feel like our life is changing, a lot. Some of those possible changes are exciting, heart breaking, and scary-all at the same time.

I've written a lot about trying to find a place that is ours and we decided that yes, this is our home. Maybe not for our entire lives (we're only 25) but for a while. And we are digging it.

It's nice to know where the best barber is or where to get great ice cream. We love knowing the ins and outs of certain neighborhoods and buying our pizza crust at a pizza shop that's been around for ages.

We like that.

I like it most of all because that's my personality: stable, regimented, craving for predictability and order.

Just like I prayed for God to quiet our spirits so that we may hear and see the path in front of us, I have prayed for over a year now that He help us with another large decision: home ownership.

|I went to an open house across the street from us, here's what a bathroom looks like in a $435,900 home that's been in the Home and Gardens magazine|

When we decided that we could see ourselves here for a bit, my soul still felt uneasy. I knew that staying here was the right decision for us, truly, but it only raised more questions: where will we continue to grow our family?

Oh, I could go on and on about the things we've asked ourselves and close friends and family (even Realtors) about home ownership- all of it helpful. But perhaps the most helpful thing we did was sit on our couch last week and pray for guidance.

Since that time we've been playing around with budgets, going to open houses, and had a lot of late night conversations. For me, there is something so right about all of it. So right and so terrifying.

We're still unsure. Playing with budgets and "what ifs" makes me hopeful one minute and dreadful the next.

But when I sit down and I am quiet, it comes to me.

There is often a battle raging inside of me when I am faced with choices like this.

My heart and mind battled each other when Mozart and I decided that marriage after college at 22 years old was what we needed. I obviously went with my heart because here I sit, happily married with two awesome kids.

I find that my heart and mind don't always agree and I'm not sure they ever will. I tend to be more logical.

Everything about being married at 22 and moving across the country with support hundreds of

miles away screamed "are you fucking insane!?"

but when I was quiet, my heart said,

"you're damn right."

I Will Not Apologize

I wasn't going to post the following but I decided to because this is my journal. Public as it may be, it serves many purposes and perhaps the most important one is serving as a vehicle for me to express myself. I also hit 'publish' because my friend Kate wrote something that let me know it's okay to speak out about things that are affecting me in a place that is mine.

So here goes:

There are times in my life when people around me demand explanations and apologies.
Explanations for the life choices I've made and apologies for the way they have reacted to those choices.

In both cases I think back and I become exhausted when the extensive review of my life is done.

Perhaps I should have become a teacher? Should I have given advice when it was asked for or simply shut up? Maybe wearing my honors at graduation was a bad idea. Should I have gotten married right out of college? Should we have moved to Denver? Gone to graduate school? Had our daughter? Moved back to New York? Had our son?- So many life choices and I'm not even sharing all of them here.

I have a very blessed life. I have loving parents, a mother who raised me to be who I am, a Nana who taught me that I am a Black Queen and beautiful, friends who have stuck around, a husband who loves me despite myself, two beautiful children, awesome in laws- and I could go on and on with this list and perhaps I should because none of what I have been blessed with or sacrificed to receive what I have needs an apology or explanation.

But here I am..giving one.

The sacrifices we all make in life are deeply personal and sometimes unknown to others, even family. The sacrifices I have made, the side steps I've taken, the pit stops, the alternate routes are plenty and they are mine. I own them and though they are not always shared- my life is not void of struggle and strife. Sure, I'm not having issues that are equivalent to some and they are not having struggles equivalent to mine, but to completely discredit any hiccup that my life is insensitive. It is hurtful. And it is wrong.

My life is no better nor worse than the next. It just is. I am strong in my opinions (righteous at times) and I try to live a life as an example for my kids and one I will look back on in my old age and smile. A life that takes me where I think God has directed me to go.

And to be honest, I hurt people and sometimes I am not fair in my actions and words.

But I've never made a life decision to intentionally hurt someone.

How can being blessed with two children (that we thought we were losing) and wanting more be a decision made to mock anyone or to gloat? My children are one of the biggest life accomplishments I have and I only suspect this will continue to be true. Aren't I allowed to be proud of that?  I've been accused of breeding children. Reducing my reproductive rights, the way my husband and I express our love, my growing family, and my fucking kids to be no more than a "litter" is not okay. It is wrong and it is incredibly hurtful.

My marriage is not a pointed finger at marriages struggling and my education choices have ever been used to show someone that they are less than me- rather my life choices have brought up things for other people, insecurities in themselves perhaps, that have made them bitter towards me.

But we all do it.

I am bitter and insecure about my weight and about my struggles of being a working mom. So when I see Ms.Skinny Pants at the gym I swear I am turning green and there is steam coming from my ears. When I see moms out with their children during the day or read blogs of stay at home moms I become incredibly bitter and negative in my thinking. But that has to do with me. What has they done wrong? Nothing. Their life choices have led them to this place and though I am angry, insecure, and bitter- the problem is me. Not them.

This whole idea goes along with my positive thinking theory. It is my responsibility to control my emotions and thoughts when I find myself spinning in a negative black whole. So it is the responsibility of others to control themselves.

All of that to say that I am not perfect. And sometimes it may seem like I'm on a high horse. And sometimes maybe I am..but there are also times when I am under it.

This blog is a tool for me to let off steam. Some days I lave my job and I want to cry about the struggles I see my clients go through. When I go home all I want to do is settle into my family life, report on the fun things we're doing, and read old posts.

This blog is mine. I will not apologize for it. I will not apologize for my life.

Thanks for sticking around the Emo month of October.

Reid’s Hospital Stay

I've had an exhausting week.

...And those weeks force me to stretch and grow in ways I didn't think were possible. I also reflect...a lot and when I’m at the end, looking in my rear view mirror, I am able to recognize that life is truly a journey and nothing lasts forever.

On Friday night we experienced something we hope wont be regular in our lives. 

Mozart took Reid to the hospital because his breathing became a huge concern. After failed breathing treatments at home it was apparent that he needed medical attention.

Everyone in this house hasn’t slept good since that night.

After Mozart and Reid left for the pediatric emergency room, Bean woke up. I took her to use the bathroom and normally she goes back to her room but I didn’t want to be alone. We crawled into bed and I twisted her little strands until we both feel asleep. Even if it was only for a little while.

I woke up to a text from Mozart saying the hospital wanted to admit Reid, that was 7am on Saturday.

Bean and I got dressed, I packed a bag of things I knew we’d need, and I updated family on what was happening.

I cried several times. Once when I woke and Bean was sleeping, the other in the shower, the other with my mom, and then when Mozart came home to take us to the hospital.

We decided that I would take Bean to the hospital (she was asking about her brother) and Mozart would return home to rest. I think this was the best option for everyone, especially since Mozart was going to take Bean to a birthday party later that day. We could have kept Bean from the party but we didn’t want to distrupt her schedule anymore than it already was.

I’m happy to report that our little Dude is doing really well and we’ve been home since late Sunday afternoon.

The weekend was a huge blur and one I don’t want to repeat.

I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. This has been proven over and over again in my life and through hardships I learn things about myself and how to live in the world.

Like I said, weeks like this make me reflect and I hope to share more of those on here with you all, very soon.

In the mean time, keep my family in your prayers- it really does make a difference.

Sometimes, I Don't Like My Face

Sometimes, I'm not happy with my face.

Or my body.

And please, this is not a post crying out for compliments, this is a post to talk about how I need to get over myself and post pictures of me.

I mean, this is my blog and I should post pictures of myself. My kids are the best looking kids ever, but sometimes I wonder if those who read my blog feel any connection to ME. I hardly post any pictures of myself.

I think that's because I'm so uncomfortable with me and I know it's connected to my Dowdy Mom Syndrome. It may also have something to do with the fact that I don't think anyone will care.

But I'm proud of myself because I bought a few things this weekend just for me.

Nubian Heritage Goat's Milk & Chai Hand Cream smells amazing and it was only $5 at my local (kind of shady...okay..really shady) discount all things crunchy store.

I also bought a few new items of clothing. I'm trying to limit my purchasing because I am starting a new weight loss program (more info on Sunday), but I think a few pieces are okay.

This morning I put on my new threads and looked in the mirror. I thought, "Hm, I look nice."

I style my hair differently every day now (check out my collection of hair tutorials). In the past I just threw my hair in a bun. And I still do for the weekends, but for work I spice it up a bit. It makes me feel pretty. So does my Mother Nest necklace that I made myself for Mother's Day this year.

When I left the house this morning, I felt great. I got into the car and put a little lotion on my hands and I felt like a woman. Not a mom or a wife. I felt like I was something outside of all that, and it was nice.

Maintaining What I Have

My mom and I talk every day. No lie.
Pretty much this is how the conversation goes if I don’t hear from her in a day:

Message
“Hello ____ (daughter/mother) this is your ___ (daughter/mother), ___ (Meg/Madonna).
Do you remember me? I’am the one who ____ (gave birth to you/you birthed) on January 8, 1987.
Just wondering if you forgot about me. Call me back, my number is _____”

I truly treassure my relationship with my mom. She’s one of my best friends. Always honest and there with open arms.

Our conversation the other day:

“I truly feel like this is where we’re supposed to be right now.”
“I think so.”

Those are very comforting words. There aren’t many things that can top approval from your mom as you journey through life.

You all remember when I was in turmoil over our current location. That was such a rough time for me, so it was nice to write about it.

I began feeling at ease when we put ourselves around positive people who love Syracuse with an insane passion. But I think the real moment of change (after so much praying) came when Mozart received this wonderful opportunity.

Leading up to that I prayed (mostly on the toilet because that’s the only time I kind of get peace, is that wrong? Does God give a side eye to toilet prayers? Ugh.) for a sign to let me know we were on the right path. I figured it Mozart was given this opportunity, it was the sign I was looking for... And after that my heart has been still.

The signs and blessings keep rolling in. Offerings for Mozart to preform at fancy benefit parties and gallery openings and even a possible trip to Sweden in the spring (what the what!?).

Even with all that, my mind still wonders.

We had a close friend over for dinner and she has a job interview that would allow her family to move closer to her mom and siblings.
I began to panic.

I thought, “Should we be moving?”

But I’m at the market yesterday with Bean, eating donuts,  picking out organic pumpkins and eyeing local apples. We snuggle on the couch and I receive a phone call from my mom and we discuss details about her watching the kids while we attend a wedding at the end of the month.

I hang up and start soaking beans for today's chili, I make nut butter popcorn, and I take a moment to watch the changing leaves outside of our window. I take Bean to the potty several times (all a success), I shoo Synclaire from Reid’s ankles, I hug my husband, and we lie around eating our last supply of Popsicles.

Right now our stomachs are full of pumpkin french toast and my chili is cooking. We’re going to a farm to feed goats and pick out pumpkins that look like our heads. We will eat apple cider donuts and I’ll shred local cheddar cheese for our dinner tonight.

I may complain a lot and have moments of irrational thoughts but at the end of the day I know we are supposed to be here and my friend is trying to get where she thinks her family needs to be.

And we are not on the same journey and so I can’t compare myself to her. She is striving for something and I am currently maintaining what I have.

My Dowdy Mom Jeans

I've been living like a poor college student for far too long. Anyone else?

No?...Just me?

Well, okay then.

I think this has been because I was a poor college student for 5 years (4 undergrad and 1 graduate) but not taking care of myself went to another level when I had children. But it's not so simple right? I mean sure having low funds will prevent most people (unless you buy on credit cards...which you shouldn't) from purchasing luxury items and being a mom always challenges women to take care of themselves...but there's something about ME that keeps me from treating myself to the nicer things in life.

And I'm not talking $50 face creams and $30 pedicures every other week.. I'm talking about simple things like $10 face creams, new nail polish, clothes that haven't been pulled out of shape by two kids, more than one pair of shoes, moments to myself.. you know...Constitutional rights.

Maybe there's something in me saying I don't deserve these things. Maybe it's because I'm so overweight that its just EASIER to buy cute kid clothes and clothes for my husband. But whatever it is, I really want to kick it to the curb because I've been feeling really....dowdy lately.

Kind of like...

No. But in all seriousness. I'm feeling like I need to get myself out of this rut and start purchasing things for myself or getting services (like eye brow waxing, pedicures, massages) as needed to make me feel less like a poor college kid or a mom and more like a woman.

Its been easy losing myself and I forgot that I am someone outside of my roles. I was and still am a person with my own interests and needs that have nothing to do with other roles that I play.

I just have a hard time justifying buying things and I feel as if I need a reason to buy something for myself sometimes.When I go to the store I think back on what I've done that makes me worthy of such an item and then I decide that I haven't done jack to deserve anything and I put it back. But why do I feel this way? I can't be alone in this, can I ?

Oh and the buyers remorse is so bad. And I'm not even talking about large items either. I'm talking $10 lotion from Bath and Body Works preoccupies my mind for hours after I bought it. Which is kind of pathetic on so many levels but that doesn't keep me from ripping off tags at the last possible moment or keeping receipts safe.

It actually feels like some kind of prison. A ridiculous prison that is incredibly silly, kind of like the one Martha Stewart went to.

But it feels so real to me and I've got to pull a Shawshank and get out of here.

Fall 2012 Bucket List

You guys, I’m so excited for the fall season! I’ve been prepping for some time now (fall home tour coming soon) and if I’m completely honest... I’ve been burning fall candles since the beginning of August.

I have such fond memories of fall when I was a kid. My mom made her own potpourri that smelled like cinnamon, cloves, apples, and oranges and there were plenty of cookies in the oven, and warm blankets. She always made me the best Halloween costumes too.

We think fall and winter is a time for families to turn inward. So we look forward to doing that by drinking plenty of fancy fall drinks, baking homemade pies, hosting a dinner party for friends, and watching our favorite movies- just to name a few.

I’m going to wrap myself in this season. I look forward to the days cooling off, chunky knit sweaters, scarves, and warming little baby toes.

Our Best Choice | Private Education

Making decisions about our children’s education has been anxiety provoking, to put it nicely.

I wish we were in the position to homeschool our kids and maybe we will in the near future. But right now we’re plugging away with our school plans like we’ll be in this same financial position (its a good one, don’t worry) when Bean turns 3 next year.

We’ve decided that private education is best, right now, for our children.

The only thing left to decide is where to go.

Choosing private was easy. Our area offers free pre-k and we could continue with our child care provider for her but that isn’t the best option. We decided that if we can do the best for our children, that’s exactly what we will do... and we apply that concept to every aspect of their lives.

| Photograph by Peter Casier |

Now don’t get me wrong. If there was an excellent free pre-k program that was public, we’d do that. But the sad truth is, there isn’t. And I’m not 100% convinced that private education is better than public but I am 100% sure we want our children in learning environments with few disruptions, involved parents, teachers who aren’t burnt out,  and children who had/will have experiences that will help them grow.

Oh, I wish I could say more about the education system but I can’t.

We’ve noted a few issues we have with the private schools here.

Unfortunately a lot of the private schools we’re looking at don’t offer much for diversity in the student or professional population. We believe that our children and all children of color can benefit from being taught and interacting with professionals that look like them but this isn’t the reality in private or public schools here.

| Photograph by Peter Casier |

So we’re charged with finding these kinds of role models outside of our family, which is okay because growing a community around our children is important.

And we’re pretty sure these schools celebrate Black History Month (though Black History IS American History and should be taught with other history lessons) and offer some kind of diversity that way, we are getting the idea that our children may not learn about Angela Davis, W. E.B Du Bois, or Muhamad Ali (he did so much more than boxing) and others. But we’re coming to terms with that and have concluded that it will be our responsibility to fill those huge gaps in education.

| Photograph by Peter Casier |

After all, it was my Nana who told me I come from African Kings and Queens and a beautiful history of people and movements- not my school.

All that to say...we’re happy with our choices so far.

I’ve been researching schools, calling, asking our friends what they’ve heard about certain institutions and going on tours. It’s still 6 months before Bean will attend any school but we want to be confident in our choice. We’re also those crazy parents and before we choose a school we want to see curriculums and if allowed, we want to see the school in session.

I guess I never thought we would be here. I mean, I knew our children would have to be educated, obviously, but I suppose I thought it was far off...kind of like paying back student loans.

But we’re taking this huge responsibility very seriously and with much joy.

Finding a Home and Leather Bracelet Watches

Something has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.

And I’m glad I got to talk about it with my friend Kelly in Colorado Springs.

She’s such a sweet person and being around her makes me feel incredibly calm and sure in my footing, which isn’t always the case. I love the relationship she has with God. Bouncing ideas off of her, asking questions, and laughing at the miracles, hardships, and beauty in life was incredibly refreshing.

But what has been weighing on my heart a little less now since visiting Kelly is my family's living situation.
Syracuse leaves a lot to be desired, that’s for sure. There’s no hiding the overwhelming poverty, violence, and lack of resources. The arts are struggling (but making a come back, I think) and there aren't any free zoo or museum days, or even a high school dedicated to the arts-which makes my heart hurt. The public transit system is in the dump and getting the community to rally around issues they should care about would be a miracle.

But for all of it’s faults, Syracuse does offer things we absolutely love.

The housing market is amazing and we love that it only takes a 10 minute drive to get to farm country. We love the movement here to support local business and the cost of living is fairly low. We also live in a pretty good location between our families.

Most importantly, we're building a nice community of friends.

All of this makes us wonder if we could make a home here.

When will we know if we’re meant to be here? There are so many questions and I don’t know the answer to any of them.

But Kelly is right, I just have to pray for guidance. I’m praying that God soothes my heart so that I am still enough to hear His messages.

(If you’re interested in signing up, use this link- I get $5 bucks when you purchase something!)

I’m also battling with self care. I look through the items I own as a woman and it isn’t much. I wonder sometimes, why I feel so guilty purchasing anything for myself. I’m still living like I’m a poor college student and I think becoming a mom has really hindered my self care.

So I bought this watch yesterday on Groop Dealz in orange (my favorite color).

I’m trying to remember that I don’t have to “earn” the right to have a few nice things for myself and my buyers remorse is just silly.

Do you feel guilty when you buy things for yourself?
If you found your home town/city, how did you know it was "the one?"

I’m the Real Gossip Girl

Do you remember how my word for this year is cleanliness?

| Source: Kristina via Kris Atomic | 

Well, until this week I haven’t been doing a good job 

getting rid of things that don’t make me feel so good. 

I have a natural tendency to be negative, gossipy, and focus on what could go wrong in any situation. It’s downright exhausting and it just doesn’t make me feel good.

But this week I’ve done really well in two areas: not complaining (unless a solution is sought after) and not gossiping.

And let me tell you... it is hard!

Complaining has got to be one of my favorite pass times. Seriously. It’s fun and it’s easy to talk about what’s wrong in the world, how wrongly I’m being treated, how I think others should be treated, and what other people need to do in order to make my life easier.

To complain for the sake of complaining and not for the sake of finding a solution as much as I do is disgusting. I know there are times when venting is appropriate but venting multiple times a day isn’t productive for me and makes me feel grumpy and self righteous.

This week I’ve stopped complaining and to be truthful it feels kind of fake. But how sad is that?

Not complaining is uncomfortable and I felt unsupportive to friends and family. While they complained this week I just listened, pointed out the positives in the situation, or changed the subject.

Something about complaining paints the complainer as a whining narcissists hell bent on being the victim. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s okay to be those things but I find that when I complain too much I lose sight of the blessings in my life. More importantly I lose sight of what’s important: letting God in so that through him I can grow.

I felt like Mary Sunshine and at first it was really uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like my old self but I have to be okay with that because I want to change. Change doesn’t happen without pushing ourselves into what’s uncomfortable.  


Gossiping is also a favorite pass time of mine because it allows me to mock others and pass judgement while ignoring my own short comings. Assumptions, judgement, laughter at someone’s expense, and being an expert on someone’s life- all those things are really sick if you think about it.

I know that gossip has it’s place and sometimes it’s fun, but when I look at the bare bones of it all, what am I doing?

I’m taring down other people, yes. But mostly I’m hurting myself. I am crippling the part of me that is caring, non judgmental, helpful, loving, empathetic, and trustworthy. When I gossip I don’t show case any of those things, I appear cold and uncaring and I don’t allow for people to make mistakes. But probably the worst is that I assume I know the entire story when I only know a fraction.

This week I walked away from situations where there was complaining and gossiping. It was difficult because everything in me screamed out! I wanted to complain, I wanted to talk about some aspect of work that sucks, I wanted to predict the future, I wanted to feel connected to those people. But I decided to take myself out of those situations because connecting that way doesn’t help.

So why am I writing these truths about me that are really unappealing? I guess because I feel like writing about some of the struggles I have with my personality helps me sort things out in my head and opens avenues for discussion and growth.

Do you complain or gossip a lot? 

Is it something you’re trying to change? 

Or are you a glass half full kind of person? 

If so, how do you fight off the complainers and gossipers in your life?

Under the Curtains and in a Cool Breeze

I truly believe that capturing the small moments in our lives is more important and brings more joy than major holidays or events.

There are a dozen cameras capturing Christmas, recitals, and birthdays- all producing pretty much the same picture. So if you don’t capture something, chances are someone did. And those moments are important, don’t get me wrong.

But there is only one camera, often our own, when the light is just right, our kids are doing that thing they do, you want to remember the wrinkles of your Grandpa’s hands, or your mom is making a pie and you capture how she always gets flour on her face.


Those are the moments that make up our lives and the moments we should capture. Because when your kids are adults and you want to go down memory lane, there is nothing better than showing them the faces they made when they were two or the way their grandma looked when she held them or that smear of flour on her face.

I’m not always the best at it. Often times I miss moments like I’m describing because I’m too busy cleaning, cooking, kissing boo-boos, stopping fights, de-esculating tantrums, and lovin’ up on my husband.

But yesterday I captured the thing my kids are loving right now: people watching under the curtains.

I try to remember that these are moments that are here today and gone tomorrow. So there may have been dishes in my sink and a pile of laundry to wash, but I decided to capture a favorite pass time, a brother and sister enjoying each other’s company, and cute baby bottoms instead.

What are some moments in your life you want to capture?

I pray for patience

I’ve been thinking about our future a lot lately. I struggle with this because I have the tendency to look months ahead and that creates a lot of stress.

And there is something about looking so far into the future, that I forget to look at today.

But I’m feeling an itch. Around this time we are in some kind of transition. Graduating, moving, job change, pending birth- something. But transition and change doesn’t bother me so much, what bothers me is feeling like we are moving sideways and not forward.

I need some kind of change to make my life go in one direction or another.

College for four years, moving to Denver, having a baby, graduating, and moving back to New York State all in one year. Then I had a job change, new apartment, Mozart graduated from grad school, we had another baby, and another apartment.

And despite all of those happy things, there is a hole. I’m constantly wondering, where will our home be? Will it be here? We kind of doubt it for a lot of reasons. So, if not here then where?

Living in an apartment for three years is hard and frustrating. I’m not able to put down roots and I’m a roots putting down kind of girl.

I don’t want to decorate an apartment when I don’t know if we’ll be here in the winter (our lease is up in December, we may renew it for 6 more months- then what?) and hard to create a community because putting in a lot of work only to say goodbye. I feel like I’m floating.

These thoughts and wanting to more forward towards finding our space in the grand scheme of things is weighing on my heart.

What’s weighing heavily on your heart?

Right Now | 6-15 to 6-22

 | Right Now I am... |

...Dealing with Bean’s behavioral issues and it is hard

...Enjoying a baby boy that laughs and laughs and laughs

...Preparing for a first birthday party

...Trying to stay cool

...Slowly decorating our apartment

...Trying to get to bed on time

...Ready for summer desserts

...Excited about an upcoming trip to Wyoming

...Feeling blessed for the life I have

...Trying to see the positives

...Committed to healthier thinking and less gossip

...Feeling overwhelmed with joy in anticipation of Father’s Day

...Slowing down so that I’m not so forgetful

...Attempting to be purposeful in my actions and words

...Trying to live by “ Be Truthful, Gentle, and Fearless”- Ghandi 

What are you doing right now?

It’s Almost Gone

This year is almost gone.

I look back at the beginning of the year when everything seemed possible. Sometimes I still feel that way but I did fall short of the super human self I swore I was destine to be.

Because life steps in. Struggles happen, family dynamics change, loved ones are lost, and there are bumps. New career paths are presented, current ones change course several times, booboos have to be kissed, marriages strengthened, and celebrations to be had. And sometimes life makes it so that there isn’t room for 50 pound weight losses or impeccable closets or crisp ironed skits.

Because we’re too busy experiencing new smiles, budding possibilities, new friendships, mended fences, and new life.

I’m not completely giving up on all my New Years Resolutions. Of course not.

But I’m not damning myself for the wonderful and not so wonderful detours. 

While I wasn’t losing 50lbs I was experiencing wonderful culinary adventures and figuring out how I can be true to myself while losing weight. And while my closets weren’t the cleanest I was chasing babies and teaching my daughter manners. And no, my clothes aren’t always ironed (well matched) but I have them and a man that thinks I’m beautiful even with spit up on my sleeve and flour on my pants.

So I guess what I’m saying is...Happy Half Year...and go easy on yourself.

Foodie Penpal | May

I’m so excited to share my experience with Foodie Pen pals.

I signed up for the month of May and my foodie penpal was Jenni. I was so nervous the entire process because I didn’t know if she’d like anything I picked out.

Not only that, but she has diabetes and I don’t know the first thing about the complexities of her condition. All I thought about while I was shopping for her was, “I hope this doesn’t kill her......” A little dramatic yes, but I really wanted to get things she could eat.

Here’s what I sent:

|Photo credit to Jenni|

I forgot to take pictures of my package before I sent it off so I bugged her for a picture! I got a report back from Jenni saying that she enjoyed the food and obviously because I received an email I knew none of it killed her.

I received my package from Christine on the 18th and the food was pretty much gone within the next three days. But I did manage to take a few pictures before everyone dug in.

To say I was excited about the Trader Joe’s food is an understatement. Up until the time of getting my goodies, I had never been to Trader Joe’s, our area doesn’t have one.

Christine lives in Brooklyn, NY (one of our most favorite places) and in the note she sent along with the food she mentioned that the granola is made locally right in Brooklyn and sold at markets!
This granola was extremely good and we used it on our cereal and oatmeal.

We loved everything in the box, Reid especially loves the Mango Butter on toast and Bean single handily ate all the chocolate covered Edamame. But the real show pony of the entire package was the Trader Joe’s herb popcorn.

This bag of popcorn lasted about two hours in our house and I was the main culperate. But I don’t feel guilty for one piece of it. It’s the best popcorn I’ve ever had. I even tweeted about how great it was.

I am so happy with the box I received and I have already signed up for next month.

If you’re interested check it out:

3 Years

Today we're celebrating our three year wedding anniversary.



Three years ago I promised:

I love you. 
You are my best friend and from this day forward
I promise you these things:


I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you,and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.


I promise to love you in good times and in bad,when life seems easy and when it seems hard,when our love is simple, and when it takes effort.


I will share your laughter and your tears as your partner, lover and friend. 


I promise always to listen to you, respect you and honor you as an individual and to be conscious of your needs.


I will be committed to my growth and to the growth of our relationship
and to do this I promise to be honest and to communicate my needs and feelings, just as I promise to listen to yours.


I promise to accept you the way you are because I fell in love with you for the qualities, abilities, and outlook on life that you have, and I will not try to reshape you.


I promise to respect you as a person with your own interests, desires, and needs
and to realize that those are sometimes different, but no less important than my own. 


I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see my fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.


I promise to grow along with you, to be willing to face change as we both change in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.


Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I have hope, and I dare to dream.


I will always be the person that you can trust, talk to and the person that will always try to understand. 


I give myself completely as I am and as I will be, and I do it for all of life.

Three years ago he promised:

On our first date we picked up ‘Malcolm X’ at the post office.
I bought you a flower pot, and forgot the seeds.


You have probably planned our next 100 years together.


We have written and shared approx. 312 love letters, poems, and cards since we’ve met, and I promise this won’t be the last one.


You scrapbook everything, and will probably blog about our wedding after the ceremony.


I enjoy being fashionably late. You think; if your on time your late.


I have read the research, studied the books, and talked to all experts, but with all the knowledge in the world… I’m still unsure about most things, but certain about us.


I know these years together will be a balancing act of complementing our strengths.


Today we become one-My people will be your people.Your people will be my people.


This ceremony is a united front; that what we put before God and loved ones,no one lay asunder.


We will cast our friends and family as a supportive net,and always let God lead the way.
You are my confidante, my best friend, toughest critic, and strongest supporter.


My father told me that falling in love is silly, so each day we take together
I pray that we can grow in love.


In front of all the people we love, I commit myself to you as your husband.


I vow to honor and respect you all of of our days.I vow to build trust through my words and actions.
I vow to support you, and let your joy be my joy,your heat-break, be my heart break.


I will be here to laugh with you, and be here to cry with you.


I have no illusions, time is short, we are mere specks in the universe’s history.


I take you as my wife, and promise to never count the years, never to watch the months or days, but to always cherish our moments together.

Happy 3 years to us!