This is my second pregnancy and both times it has been a surprise. For whatever reason, God has decided to grant me and TP the privilege of being parents to two of his children. That's an amazing gift with scary responsibilities. How can I be trusted to raise decent human beings? People with morals, goals, and a love for life? That task is unbelievably hard and I am realizing it more when I think about how the days of simply changing diapers will no longer take up my time. That time will be replaced with guiding children and teaching them how to mend broken hearts, how to live life, and how to forgive. Some days, when my own problems get the best of me and I am judgmental and bitter, I wonder if I am even capable. But I also know that God doesn't give any of us more than we can handle.I take comfort in that fact.
This pregnancy, like the last, came with a few complications and at the beginning I found myself unattached and questioning if this pregnancy would produce an actual baby. Though it is still early and things may still happen, after seeing our babe at 15 weeks on a tiny black and gray screen, my heart is warm and I'm so hopeful. It feels more real now and will become more real as the weeks pass and I feel kicks and begin making plans. I have so many plans and not enough days. So many plans and not enough money. So many plans and enough love. I know that our family will be full of love and adding one more into the mix only adds to that. I believe love multiplies.
Sometimes, the days are long and really hard and I want to sit in a corner and cry. I wonder why I wasn't thoughtful enough, why my husband wasn't nice enough, and why my baby spits her food in my face. But days like today, where she came home smiling and laughing and my husband picked up pretty blue wool blankets for our bed and my stomach swells with new life- I am grateful.
-M
No comments:
Post a Comment