Bean is 1 year old today!

Everyone's favorite Bean is 1 today!!!! Gosh I can't believe it. I don't even know what to write. I have to formulate my thoughts for a moment so in the mean time I figured I would post the first letter I ever wrote to her:

Dear B,

Only a month ago I rubbed my swollen stomach and whispered softly to you, giggled while your Daddy sang silly songs and spoke in Creole, and prayed for you. I prayed so hard for you, prayed that you'd make it to my arms safely and that you will have a wonderfully fulfilling life, and that you would love me. Isn't that silly? To pray that you would love me as much as I already loved you? But I did and now that you're here I realize how truly blessed and unworthy I am to be your Mom.

You're amazing and I learn more about myself and what I'm capable of through you. You, my not so tiny baby, have taught me how much my heart can expand to allow love in and just how much it can ache. When I hold you I see what the love of two people can create and I am in awe of that miracle. I have dreamed about you since the moment I laid eyes on your Daddy but those dreams fall incredibly short to the reality of your existence. From the tippy top of your curly head down past your amazing eyes that see right through me, over top of your fluffy baby rolls, right to your huge big toe- your existence gives me more meaning than before. What was I before you? A girl, a woman, a student, a wife? Nothing. I was nothing before you in comparison to what I am now, and this amazing transformation initiated by you will be nurtured by our love as a family.

A popular question I'm asked is if I love you, which is incredibly silly. Of course I love you. I love you more than anyone, including myself, could ever understand, but I don't know how to say that so I just say "yes". I have not found the right words to express my love for you. What words would I use and how could I string together sentences to express thoughts and feelings that would only begin to explain this deep love? My love for you stems from before your existence, when you were just a thought and when you were the beginning of our reality. A love that existed even before you were conceived has to be an amazing one, right? One that can move mountains and boil the sea.

Your Daddy and I have noticed something: you are incredibly funny. I laugh when you make silly faces, your lip poked out with one eye open, and I think your pig grunts and explosions of noises are precious. It is obvious that what I am experiencing is the direct result of a Mother's love. Who else would think that every burp, fart, and poop you make should be on CNN? I'm amazed every time I look at you and often wonder what you're thinking about when you look up at me. Do you know that I am your Mom? Do you know how much I love you? Or, are you annoyed at the millionth kiss and cuddle you've received?- Either way I am convinced that you are having amazing, brilliant, and controversial thoughts. Your Dad on the other hand says you have a Lizard Brain and that your thoughts consist of three things: pooping, eating and sleeping. But what does he know?

This month you have discovered the use of your hands. You like to grab my shirt when you feed and when we cuddle. You hold on for dear life, like if you let go you'll never see me again. Don't worry little B, Mommy is here and even when you're 35, I'll never go away, how comforting is that? You headbutt us now. You're able to hold your head up but when you get tired it comes crashing down and smacks one of us right in the head. You also have explosive poops, spit ups, and farts but don't worry, Mommy and Daddy don't mind. You are the only person in this world that could do all of that to us and we still love you the same.

One month behind us, many more to go but I feel like you're growing up too fast. Don't grow up too fast. You're my little bean and you fit so nicely in my hands right now, you let me put you in silly sun hats, and dress you any way I want. I don't want to give that up so soon, so please little bean just stay small for a little while longer. Daddy and I aren't quiet ready yet for mini skirts, annoying boy or girlfriends, and report cards. Right now we are loving the world of white onsies, little toes, soft feet, and baby coos.


Love,

Mommy