Confidence is often missing from the lives of fat people, especially when it comes to exercise. As a fat person, I struggle with walking through a group of people. My thoughts are racing, "Are they laughing?" "Will they talk about me?" "Do they think I'm fat." "I bet they think I shouldn't be wearing these clothes."- In reality they may be thinking things completely different and unrelated to me. Or maybe they are thinking exactly what I'm afraid of. Either way, no one can change the thoughts of other people.
Many fat people don't go to the gym because they are afraid of what other people think. They are afraid of being looked at, afraid of being made fun of, and lack confidence in themselves to push past all of that and do something positive and healthy for their bodies.
To get up on a treadmill at 268 pounds (or more) is scary. The weight machines? Forget it. I could never use them with the muscle heads standing there because I thought they were judging me. And there was no way I was going to take a class, all those people looking at me, watching my every move, waiting for me to make a mistake or to notice a piece of fat I'm trying to hide.
But I don't believe that my irrational thoughts are unique to myself. I believe many people trying to lose weight think this way.
Joining the gym and actually going is one of the hardest things to do. Pushing past our own fears of judgment is nearly impossible.
I've recently started the Couch to 5k program for a race I registered for at the end of October and I run around my neighborhood. At first I was so scared. I thought, "Everyone is going to laugh at the fat girl running down the street who is out of breath." And maybe they are. But I decided that I can't let the judgment of others keep me from my goals. I run past people all the time, out of breath and looking like I'm going to fall over. I think, "They probably think I can't do this..they're laughing at me..they don't think I can make it."- But they don't know me. They don't know that I can do this, that I am battling myself more than them, and I will make it to the end of this run and the end of my race.
To have confidence in myself to run past the skinny people who are strolling along takes enormous amounts of energy. The other day I was running along, panting and battling thoughts of failure, when I saw a nice looking couple walking down the street. The girl had on a short skirt and a tight top and her boyfriend looked like a model. All I thought was, "They're talking about me. They are laughing at me right now."
I wanted to die. Or to hide. But mostly die.
I ran past them with my eyes glued to the sidewalk and held my breath. I was expecting them to say something or to at least laugh as I passed. But they didn't, they continued on with their conversation. Maybe they were talking about me and laughing at the fat girl running. Maybe they were talking about their plans for the night. Whatever it was, I don't know. I wish I could say I don't care, but I'm not there yet.
We must have confidence in ourselves to push past those judgments and the obstacles we create to know that we are doing something positive for ourselves. I joined the gym and I run. I have some of the craziest thoughts going through my head and sometimes I feel like I'm climbing a mountain and I just want to give up.
But damn it, those skinny jeans are calling me. The way my husband wraps himself around me is calling me.
And I realize that giving up isn't an option.
-M