I Will Not Apologize

I wasn't going to post the following but I decided to because this is my journal. Public as it may be, it serves many purposes and perhaps the most important one is serving as a vehicle for me to express myself. I also hit 'publish' because my friend Kate wrote something that let me know it's okay to speak out about things that are affecting me in a place that is mine.

So here goes:

There are times in my life when people around me demand explanations and apologies.
Explanations for the life choices I've made and apologies for the way they have reacted to those choices.

In both cases I think back and I become exhausted when the extensive review of my life is done.

Perhaps I should have become a teacher? Should I have given advice when it was asked for or simply shut up? Maybe wearing my honors at graduation was a bad idea. Should I have gotten married right out of college? Should we have moved to Denver? Gone to graduate school? Had our daughter? Moved back to New York? Had our son?- So many life choices and I'm not even sharing all of them here.

I have a very blessed life. I have loving parents, a mother who raised me to be who I am, a Nana who taught me that I am a Black Queen and beautiful, friends who have stuck around, a husband who loves me despite myself, two beautiful children, awesome in laws- and I could go on and on with this list and perhaps I should because none of what I have been blessed with or sacrificed to receive what I have needs an apology or explanation.

But here I am..giving one.

The sacrifices we all make in life are deeply personal and sometimes unknown to others, even family. The sacrifices I have made, the side steps I've taken, the pit stops, the alternate routes are plenty and they are mine. I own them and though they are not always shared- my life is not void of struggle and strife. Sure, I'm not having issues that are equivalent to some and they are not having struggles equivalent to mine, but to completely discredit any hiccup that my life is insensitive. It is hurtful. And it is wrong.

My life is no better nor worse than the next. It just is. I am strong in my opinions (righteous at times) and I try to live a life as an example for my kids and one I will look back on in my old age and smile. A life that takes me where I think God has directed me to go.

And to be honest, I hurt people and sometimes I am not fair in my actions and words.

But I've never made a life decision to intentionally hurt someone.

How can being blessed with two children (that we thought we were losing) and wanting more be a decision made to mock anyone or to gloat? My children are one of the biggest life accomplishments I have and I only suspect this will continue to be true. Aren't I allowed to be proud of that?  I've been accused of breeding children. Reducing my reproductive rights, the way my husband and I express our love, my growing family, and my fucking kids to be no more than a "litter" is not okay. It is wrong and it is incredibly hurtful.

My marriage is not a pointed finger at marriages struggling and my education choices have ever been used to show someone that they are less than me- rather my life choices have brought up things for other people, insecurities in themselves perhaps, that have made them bitter towards me.

But we all do it.

I am bitter and insecure about my weight and about my struggles of being a working mom. So when I see Ms.Skinny Pants at the gym I swear I am turning green and there is steam coming from my ears. When I see moms out with their children during the day or read blogs of stay at home moms I become incredibly bitter and negative in my thinking. But that has to do with me. What has they done wrong? Nothing. Their life choices have led them to this place and though I am angry, insecure, and bitter- the problem is me. Not them.

This whole idea goes along with my positive thinking theory. It is my responsibility to control my emotions and thoughts when I find myself spinning in a negative black whole. So it is the responsibility of others to control themselves.

All of that to say that I am not perfect. And sometimes it may seem like I'm on a high horse. And sometimes maybe I am..but there are also times when I am under it.

This blog is a tool for me to let off steam. Some days I lave my job and I want to cry about the struggles I see my clients go through. When I go home all I want to do is settle into my family life, report on the fun things we're doing, and read old posts.

This blog is mine. I will not apologize for it. I will not apologize for my life.

Thanks for sticking around the Emo month of October.