I'm struggling with this whole breast feeding thing. So, I've come to the one place where I can cast my voice into the great obis without fear or care of judgement. You know, as an attempt to get my mind wrapped around this entire thing.
The thought of breast feeding Bean didn't really excite me. I wasn't drawn to the ideal that it was some natural and amazing thing- the best thing- to do for my child. If I want to be completely honest, I was thinking more about myself and my own sanity rather than the nutrition of my daughter. This was in part because I myself and many other intelligent and healthy human beings had survived their infancy on formula and that by choosing that feeding style, I wasn't doing an injustice to her. Instead I believed that I was doing the best thing for her because what kid wants a stressed out Mom? None that I know.
So I didn't breast feed her. I never felt guilty until a family member told me the reason why she happened to be cranky on that one specific day (she had nothing else to base it on) was because she needed my nipple. I was offended and hurt by that statement, though I am sure it was meant to be kind and helpful. But for a split second I second guessed my choice.
Was I stealing something from her? Was I not giving her the best I could offer at that time? Was I going to be seen as a bad mom to other moms? Was she going to grow correctly and gain enough weight? Was her development going to be delayed?- All questions and many more I thought about while I stuffed my kids' face with Enfamil.
So towards the end of my pregnancy with Gus I was throwing around the idea of breast feeding him. I thought, "Great..Now I have a stable job that pays decently, an apartment where I don't have to worry about stupid neighbors, and the time to dedicate to breast feeding him." But I have to admit that I didn't really hold on to that idea long. The more I thought about breast feeding the more anxious and confused I became.
Things like: Will I have enough time to dedicate to breast feeding him with Bean running around? Will I have the patience to do it after I've experienced the ease and convenience of formula? What will I do once I go back to work..I know I have to pump but will I pump enough and what if I get a call from the sitter that she needs more (I can't exactly leave a mental health counseling session for a breast milk run)?What happens if I want to spend some time away from him for a day or so?- Will I have to pump extra (will I even have extra?) and will the person watching him (maybe other than TP) properly heat up the breast milk?- Will they even want to be bothered?
I have more questions than that and I'm not really looking for answers..I'm just venting and wanting to write honestly about what I'm going through...
